Yup, that's a mugshot.
Locked up once a-motherfucking-gain.
Arrested Tuesday, February 26, 2008 for driving with a suspended license.
I could get into all that "they tryna hold a nigga down" shit, but what will that solve really?
The biggest problem I have with this whole situation is myself.
For some reason, I can't get out of my way.
My family doesn't know why (they don't fuck with me anymore), my friends don't know why (they don't fuck with me anymore), shrinks don't know why (I don't fuck with them anymore), the people at the mental hospital don't know why (they don't fuck with me anymore), and most/least importantly, I don't even know why (I don't fuck with me anymore.)
The depression has killed me.
Before Tuesday, I couldn't control my emotions.
Now, I have none.
The crazy shit is, I was told the charges would be dropped, and that's the least of my worries.
Remember what I said about my family?
They shun me like I'm a murderer, like I'm harming people, like I'm the sorriest excuse for a man on Earth.
I tell them everything I do is to try and make them proud of me again, and I can see their eyes roll over the phone.
I don't give a shit about money (obviously), I have my own personal goals, but in all honesty, I don't give a shit about those either.
The people that serve as my most important source of drive have become my biggest source of depression.
We talk, but we don't communicate.
How is it that the people that understand me the least are the people who brought me into this world?
I think they have a hard time hearing what I say over what they think I'm gonna say.
So.
Now, as a broken man, I'm expected to get up and go make my life right.
But for what?
Nothing is worth having if I can't share with my family.
Nevermind the fact that nobody can find a job anywhere in America, nevermind the fact I'm a convicted felon in Florida, just go out and force someone to hire me.
But shit, even $100K a year and no love from my family won't make me happy.
My life feels worthless, and not worth living.
But I think that feeling is false, so I'll keep on pushing until I find out one way or the other.
It's wild to lose your mind and be conscious of it happening while it's going on.
Some of the harmful thoughts I have make me laugh once I wipe the tears away.
Simply because I know it's not really me that's thinking those things.
Then again, I haven't really been me in years...
This will be good next time, I promise.
2 comments:
We live in the struggle, not die for it. We live life inverted to reduce the suffocating blow, not head on.
Perhaps the struggle is more important than the journey, but we wont know until we get to the end.
Hang in there.
The only best friend you have is yourself. Create your on family members with people you think understand you. Try not to base your entire existance on your family members. "We can't choose them, remember only friends. Be strong Black Man, find yourself. Love yourself cause at the end its about you anyway. Search to find.
God Bless
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